Wrote this the other night ….and was NOT going to publish it, for fear that y’all may think I’m crazy but I now realize maybe I’m not the only one going through this so if you can relate let’s try to help each other

How did I get here? Seriously How did I end up here, just a year ago I was graduating from University ecstatic that I got  2:1 from one of the best Universities in the world, a few months prior to that I was totally in love, planning my wedding and what my house would look like, saying to myself I wanta  boy for him to play football with and a little girl that looks just like me to take to gymnastics and singing classes. A few months before that I was in my own apartment with my best friend, entertaining other friends throwing parties, having nights on the town, driving around, able to go wherever I wanted without a care in the world….so how did I get here?

How did I lose all of that, why did I move to a foreign country, thousands of miles away and put an infinite stretch of water between myself and the only people I love. I can’t make a phone call to my mother because I have no phone and in America if you have a “new” social security number you can’t get a phone contract without a $300 down payment!

Here I am alone in a room, with no friends I can call on, no family to make me laugh, not even a T.V. to take my mind of my misery…..I ask you how did I get here?

My job is awful, just when I thought a promotion was a good thing I came to find that the transfer that went with it would be one of the worst decisions I’ve made in the last 6 months, the people are awful, bithcy, lazy rude and I feel as if I am about to kill one of them. Everytime I try to make a new friend, if its a girl they seem to want to be a total bitch …..but if its a guy they just want to get in my fucking knickers. No one is genuine, no one is able to help me, I’m left with nothing but my own thoughts….

Endless days recalling all the fatal mistakes I have made, Nights spent wide awake as I can’t sleep because I’m worried and stressed to the point where I can’t remember the last day I did NOT have a headache…..How did I get here?

I know how if you want a list of the mistakes I made and a list of the character traits I have that caused me to lose out ….I know how I got here if you ask me how many strokes of bad luck I’ve had beaten across my brow or how many times I’ve totally mis-timed my efforts to do any and everything.

I know how I got here if you ask me, in terms of logistics but when I look back to 18 months ago I never thought this would be my life…perhaps the more apt question is Why am I here? Why am I here all alone in this room, frightened to apply for a new job as i feel nauseous at the thought of one more letter of rejection, beaten before I even begin to try something new, beaten by the thought of all the new things I’ve ever tried and how much effort I put into them with little or no positive outcome…..Please somebody tell me How and Why I am here? In this place with no hope, feeling as though not even God can or will save me from myself….

You may say just pick yourself up again but how do you pick yourself up when you have no more strength left, when you feel as though the whole universe is holding you down, the devil whispering in your ear to just give up, taunting you to just go ahead and lay 6 foot 6, and rest…..

I know it’s depressing and this is how this whole blog started….yea I managed t o pull myself out of this obis once before but if I ended up back in the same place, what was all that effort for, what was it worth….if I honestly feel that things have just gotten worse…..I don’t even know who I am or what I want to do with my life any more as every little thing just seems so unattainable,

My throat is closing up, and I’m finding hard to breath my keyboard is wet from my tears and my vision is blurry, my shoulders feel heavy, my head as though it is about to explore from the internal pressures on my mind….and yet no solution is coming to me…..all I can think is how did I get here???

I wish I could get some sleep…….and wake up and all of this was just one bad dream, but I fear that that thought in the back of my mind that one day I will look back at this and say it made me stronger, I feel as though that day will never come…..O Lord, How did I get here?

Life really is a bitch!

**UPDATE**

After I had this moment and cried myself to sleep I reached out and found that all I really needed was a little motivation some words of wisdom and to hear that I’m not the only one who has ever felt this low…..just want to say that normal people who are climbing the ladder to the gates of success are the people I aspire to and that inspire me in my moments like this….people like Miss Necole Bitchie who are coming out on top, after struggling and persevering and people like my father and mother who built so much from nothing….

This memoir is called “Lessons in Transition” and at first I could find no lesson or moral in my misery….. but I am coming to believe that you have to hit rock bottom before you can really be prepared for what God has in store for you, and let’s face it What doesn’t kill me WILL make me stronger.

God Bless! xcx