Cherie Amour would like to help you and give you FREE RELATIONSHIP ADVICE TODAY!!

Send your query or question, anonymously or otherwise, to cherieamour187@gmail.com  OR  by using the easy contact form on the contact page and I will post a response on the site for you.

 All readers are welcome to vote on all my advice posts……I want to know WHAT YOU think! ;O)

For what feels like an eternity I’ve been trying to figure out what the difference is between loving someone (not your family or friends but your boyfriend or partner) and being in love with someone. How do you know when you love him/her but your no longer in love with that person? And if your not in love does that mean that you should just be friends?

This is something I’ve been struggling with for some time. See the thing is that when you love someone its more or less the same as being in love with that person; if you speak to them they make you smile, if you see them they give you butterflies when they get a little closer, if they are going through some bad times, your heart aches for them you know? So where is the line?

I think the first thing that I have learned is that you can fall in and out of love as quickly as you can turn a light switch on and off. I think you know when your no longer in love with someone when you have the ability to disconnect with them emotionally. It’s like, when your in love, no matter how hard you try or how bad the relationship is you can NOT disconnect emotionally, to the point where you find that your mind is racing 24/7 with thoughts of that person. I think there comes a point when that stops! When you can leave that person in a room or politely excuse yourself from a conversation that is about to get ugly and actually go to sleep without asking yourself 100 questions before you can even start to function like a human being again.

But what does it mean if you can 100% say that you love someone……… but your not in love? Does it mean that that person is just a friend, after all isn’t that the only difference between friends and “the one;” with the former you love them but with the latter your totally in love with them?

After trying to figure this out for the last 9 months, having moments when I hated him, then loved him, then just “didn’t give a shit anymore” I realised that my initial reaction was wrong. When I first could admit to myself and truly knew in my heart that i’d fallen out of love, I thought it was a sure sign that the relationship was done, and I was about to break out the friendship bracelet (I kid you not, it was going to be my lil peace offering) Now after nearly a year of torturous confusion and emotional turmoil (don’t act like I’m the only one that’s been up at night trying to figure shit out, bout to write some mad list of pros and cons…..) Anyways…. I’ve decided that in any long lasting relationship people will fall in and out of love.

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OK, so I was at the end of my tether again this weekend. My boyfriend/x-boyfriend/ unclassifiable other half and I have an extremely complicated relationship especially with me being overseas and all. So I was having a good old banter with “the wise one” aka mummy and we got onto the topic of relationships. Of course we didn’t specifically talk about me and my other half, as its important to draw the line between mother and friend….. but that’s another story!  Anyhu I learnt a few lessons so thought I would share.

If you find them helpful, disagree, love, hate ‘em or even think they are relevant leave a comment by clicking on the comment link below this post.

OK, so you know when you have those relationships where you give and give and give and for some reason you never seem to get back what you put in……….. that imbalance is not just a display of a lack of effort on one persons part it is also a sign of an imbalance of power. He has all the power and you, well unfortunately all you will end up with is a whole in your pocket and a whole in your wallet!!

What you need to do is understand that if your constantly giving more than you receive the chances are that he/she doesn’t want the relationship as much as you do. Yea, I get it your in love, and there is ALWAYS a healthy excuse for why exactly he/she couldn’t make it to your show or didn’t feel like driving to your house that night, but sooner or later you have to just admit it…………….. these are excuses NOT reasons!!!

Another thing is this…………. you know when you start off in a relationship and sometimes, not always, its smooth sailing, you know easy going, no arguments, no psychotic displays of jealously or rage………. ya dig deep people……… there you go. Well, after those times pass you are left with the reality of a relationship:

arguments: if its everyday….. ‘chile get out of that mess, it is not healthy and its not fair on either of you, plus your dragging out the inevitable…..which is that ultimately one of you will get tired of it and RUN, far far away! either that or someone will end up with a busted lip……

stress; every relationship has its stresses, just because it is largely affected by your life circumstances…………… if your stressed at work, when u get home who u gona end up irritable at????

decisions; the main one being am I gona stay with this person or should I pack ma damn bags……

Don’t get me wrong, even in the worst relationship you can find some good times, BUT PLEASE, ladies and gentlemen…… boys and girls, do not CONFUSE a bad relationship, with some good times, with a good relationship with some bad times. And let me warn you…….. it is a VERY VERY thin line!!!

Anyways the point is that if your a serious person and not a groupie when a relationship gets to that point where you don’t know what to do i think you need to ask a series of questions: (and please do not LIE to yourself about the answers…. that’s just plain pointless)

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Ok ,so what happens when your really wana leave but haven’t got the strength to do it???

What happens when your in that place where your caught between a rock and a hard place….. you don’t want to stay because you know it could be better but you don’t wana leave cos…. lets face it it could be worse! …. much worse….. what to do??

This is a conundrum that I find myself in more often than I would like…. it’s somewhere that countless numbers of my friends have been and to be perfectly honest there is no one perfect answer……..

But I had a thought today that I wish to share…… if you can stay with a guy and slowly detach yourself, emotionally……. gotta keep the physical thing going though….. otherwise lets face it your just gona be angry & tight all the time!………… anyway I think you can stay in a relationship while you go outside of the relationship and look for someone else…… as long as the other person knows that this shit is NO LONGER EXCLUSIVE!

Anyways I was just thinking about it and wondered if that is a terrible way to think/ a terrible thing to do?? Let me know!

No lessons today….. when it comes to this subject I’m still learning!

Ok, so it’s all getting better now. I have a job-ish and my social life seems to be on the up but I was speaking to some guy the other day about open relationships… which I really do not understand!!

You see, from what I can see, the problem is that the guy always has more freedom than the girl when it comes to these kind of relationships. He says “yea shes the one, you no the one that will be the wife, gives me no stress bout talking to girls etc, shes down and when I call shes there.” So I’m like “OK so what if she goes out meets a guy and wants to go out with him for a drink …. or whatever??” …… & surprise surprise….. His face screws up like someone just told him I shot his mama!! Seriously why is it that guys think that its OK for a gurl to sit around and wait till they have played the field and then ….eventually decide that they want to settle down! (It upset ma soul!)

This whole double standards thing is startin to get on ma nerves and I fink gurls need to stop allowing guys to do this shit and fink its bloody normal! because *news flash* it’s NOT!

The thing is men have no reason to have this advantage over women! Women like sex too, women are attracted to other men(I don’t care how much u love ur man, if u see a fine ass brother in a sexy ass suit, you will go home n fink about what u wana do to him! *halleujah*) , women would love to go out on a fridae night, meet a nice guy, & go on a date with him Tuesday night, after she spent the rest of the weekend wid her hubby…. women like a bit of variety too!!!!! I think that men need to seriously put an end to their ignorance!(I no it’s hard, but try) There is absolutely no reason for you to think that you have some God given right to go out & do whatever you want to just cos ur honest about it. And females if your hubby is doin this shit, talkin bout, “I wana marry u, but tonight don’t call me, I’m doin me”…… u need to put some fear in his rass & make him stop that shit!

Please I’d like to hear it from the point of view of a gurl that doesn’t mind her man doing this, when shes knows if she did the same he’d leave her ass quicker than she cud say… “but baby….!”

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OK, so relationships are one of those things that I can’t live with, can’t live without. Now I’m still young so I’m not claiming to have any kind of super expert knowledge on relations but what I do know, and have come to know quite well, is how to keep your man in line. Originally I was the bitch from hell that all men were scared of! (lol, at least I think it’s funny) Then a few of ma gurlies said Cherie, your too hard on the poor sods …. so I eased up…. a bit too much – one muvasucker took the piss!! Which has lead me to the understanding and need for a balance……

So you dn’t know me… but let me tell you this ma mouf is loud and if u rub me the wrong way one too many times I’ll kick ur ass right into the middle of next week and verbally catsrate you without hesitation. Many may think that using some of these tactics in your relationship may be damaging but it keeps your man in line. Let me explain the rationale: If your nice to his ass 24/7 there is no fear! And without fear there is NO POWER!! and power, ladies………. is everything. But there is most definately a balance, as much as it would be fun to just ruin his whole life on a daily basis for no reason (lol, I have to laugh cos ive done this several times, J4F*) there must be a balance if you actually want to keep the realtionship going. (*Just4Fun)

Alright so here are the steps: remember this is not a reciepe for making cookies: you have to play with it and incorporate the things that you know your man likes/dislikes and loathes! ;o) The key to this whole thing is NOT to get too serious; if ur laying down the law don’t be smirkin & shit, but at the same time don’t let the ‘heated discussion’ make u depressed and shit – it’s all part of a game – be a player n wen ur done, just chill, work is over; no need to stress!

Alright so first of all in the early stages of the relationship you have to be his best friend. Be there speak to him as much as he needs you to but please (for the sake of the female species) DO NOT SMOTHER his ass! He needs space and the last thing anyone likes is a bitch that is constantly under your feet. Note: it is not cool to call him 8 times a day if you’ve only known him a week and it is not cool to turn up at his yard at midnight sayin u want a hug, if ur ass was not invited!!! (if u’ve done this ur mad and u need to allow this behaviour – its sooooo desperate! *cringe* and he will leave you for some with less ‘issues’)

Ok so now u have a gd rapport the plan of action kicks in. Like I said we must achieve a balance. A balance of nice and evil, kind and mean, hot and cold, happy and angry and finally the most important balance: fuck wid me and DO NOT fuck wid me!! The first time you have a little tiff (he forgets to call you for a day too long or arrives to the movies an hour too late) ASSERT yourself. Tell him he IS wrong, what he did WAS wrong and that you ain’t got no time for his foolishness. Don’t cuss him out too bad, cos its too early for that(dn’t wori you can play satan later) Then after its all over leave do not call him, make sure u leave it for a few days then call him like nothing happened and carry on with the relationship…(if you’ve ever been in a realtionship you’ll notice that guys do this ALL THE TIME and it works!!)

I’ve just realised this could be a book rather than a blog so I’m cut it down into the key things I think you must do to keep your man in line. If you want a book let me know ;o) lol anyhu….

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Money Money Money……..this word is literally taking over my life! Have you wondered why o why it is that when you have no money you spend no money…… but yet as you start to earn money you somehow can NOT seem to keep any of it???!!! Am I just a bad saver or is there something else going on here??! (ok its takes a while to get to my point but keep reading and you will learn how to save money….. I did!)

OK so when it comes to finances I have been there, highs and lows. When I was in University at like…. 18/19/20 I had more money than i knew what to do with…. I mean out of my ears, shopping every other weekend, $100′z worth of shit i can’t even find anymore money! *looks up and shakes head* o baby…… those were the good days!

I had enough money to have my own car, apartment, go on holidays annually with ma gurlies and even have enough dosh to GIVE SHIT AWAY!!!! yea……. I was all for buying the rounds…. shame you didn’t know me back then! …..Anyways then this bitchass recession came to fruition and started kickin ma ass like it was goin outta fashion!!! (sound familiar?)

First the jobs (I say jobS cos i had two, yes two and lost 2….. yes TWO!)….. bye!…. then the car…..asta-la-vista Baby -G (that was ma cars name!) Nehu the apartment shortly followed and the numerous phone contracts etc etc etc……. the long and short of it is i lost it all! Yea cry me a river…….. for real this shit should bring as tear to your eye…… *sniff sniff* (nah, I kid…. I’m over it now.) Bear with me I’m gettin to the lesson…..

Anyways once it was all gone I learnt to live on NOTHING!!! I’m dead serious…. I found a way to eat without buying a single item from any fast food place or cafe or restaurant…. I had it down to a tea…… I mean I could go to a bar, drink for free and have a hot darn fab nite out!

So I get another job when I moved to NYC a few months ago and although I have more than I did when I had NO INCOME I still can’t seem to keep any of it! Anyway here’s the lesson……

I think that when we know that we will have money coming in the next week or month, we abuse the money that we have at the moment…. it’s like “yea I can buy this $20 top that I totally don’t need, cos tomorrow I‘ll have another $20″ …. what I and alot of other people seem NOT to realise is money/income is NEVER guaranteed! The only thing that is guaranteed is that you will always need money:

BREAK DOWN:

NO guarantee you will get money
100% guarantee you will NEED money

This is the lesson that I have learnt the hard way. The question that I asked myself was why can’t I seem to save money? And the answer that I found was that its all about your frame of mind! When I was broke I thought “I’m broke!” end of….. there was no questions involved!…… NO you can’t have the top YOUR BROKE! ……. NO you don’t need the food, even if your stomach is cussin your ass OUT LOUD (for the world to hear!) ….. that was that…. NO meant NO!

The thing is I gt a little bit of freedom cos I started gettin a little ass paycheck…. & I mean LITTLE, fink minimum wage….retail…p/t…..ya dig! (its emotional, dont laugh!) Anyway I know I’m gettin ma little ass paycheck so I fink I can buy a little ass gift…. (you do it too rite?)…… well here’s the THING, YOU CAN’T!!!!! ……. WHY? …….. cos your ASS is still BROKE!!!!

You need to tell yourself that every time you go to a mall….. or a fast food place……. why?…….. cos having a little ass bit of money…… is worse than having no money at all….. as your under the illusion that you got something when the reality is…… you can not afford it! You can NOT afford to buy anything that you couldn’t buy FIVE TIMES over without flinching!

That’s my rule…. if I can’t afford to buy it FIVE times over without flinchin….. then I do NOT have enough MONEY to buy it!!!

Just try that and I guarantee you will start to save! The thing is you have to put your mind in BROKE mode, cos then you start to find ways to get by, and save more money than you would have ever saved before.

Lesson:
Think BROKE and you will save! Use the five time rule and you will curb you spending!

Anyhu try it out and let me know if it works!!! Here’s the other thing I realised…… if I lived without it before….. I can live without it again! Happy saving!!

On Friday 24th April 2009 “The Afrospear” and “Electronic villiage” are setting aside a day for bloggers all over the world to stand up against the use of tasers, otherwise referred to by the NYPD as “Conducted Energy Devices (CED’s). To participate in this Day of Blogging for Justice: Standing Up Against the Police Pre-Trial Electrocution simply: http://electronicvillage.blogspot.com/2009/04/day-of-blogging-for-justice-standing-up.html for more information)

1. Post a blog about outlining your concerns and views on the tasering of black people.
2. Send an e-mail to AfricanAmericanPoliticalPundit@gmail.com to allow a record of participation to be created.

(Go to http://electronicvillage.blogspot.com/2009/04/day-of-blogging-for-justice-standing-up.html for more information)

AroundHarlem.com is strongly against the use of tasers following the shocking information revealed by the New York Civil Liberties Union . The NYCLU highlight the fact that NYPD appear to be increasing the use of tasers without conducting any kind of research of public opinion. The Rand Report , which was supposed to be aimed at evaluating the racial disparities in NYPD practices, following the fatal shooting of Sean Bell, a 23-year old black man who was killed on his wedding day by undercover and plain clothes officers, has instead focused on supporting the increased use of tasers as a replacement for handguns. The use of these weapons has been linked to hundreds of serious injuries and fatalities. Thus the question remains, does it make sense to replace one deadly weapon with another?

Last year in New York police fatally shot a Mr. Morales, who was a 35 year old man suffering from mental illness. The police were in fact responding to a call by Mr. Morales’ mother, who had resorted to calling the NYPD after her son had stopped taking his medication. This had resulted in him standing on a mental box that was on top of a store’s security gate, naked, screaming incoherently with an 8 foot luminescent light bulb in his grasp.

Lt. Michael Pigott had issued the order to shoot Mr. Morales, despite this being a clear violation of guidelines stating that ‘when possible, the CED (Taser) should not be used… in situations where the subject may fall from an elevated surface.” Subsequently Mr. Morales fatally fell head first onto the pavement below. This was captured on camera by an onlooker. Sadly the officer committed suicide soon after the incident occurred.Just months before this tragedy Alexander Lombard 3rd, the son of an NYPD veteran and a young black teen, was tasered 4 times, hit 15 times with a nightstick and put in a choke hold by an NYPD officer.

Lombard suffered serious injuries as a result of this excessive use of conduct by an officer, who arrived at a “community sponsored” barbeque in Harlem.No charges were filed against Mr. Lombard indicating that he was neither resisting arrest nor carrying a weapon. The use of the taser against this young black man can only be described as excessive and unnesscessary.

Last year the NYPD had approximately 500 tasers in use which were assigned to supervisory staff and trained Emergency Service Unit officers. However The Rand report and the NYPD are recommending that the use of these weapons is increased. The problems associated with this increase are numerous and extremely serious. Firstly, it appears the police are failing to recognize how dangerous these weapons are, as there is a risk that officers will see them as a less dangerous weapon than a handgun, when in reality both are capable of taking a life. Secondly, the racial bias in policing has yet to be properly acknowledged let alone confronted and eliminated, until the issue is resolved the chances of tasers being used disproportionately on black people is steadily increasing.

The question remains does it make sense to replace one fatal weapon with another? As we all know London just loves to copy the latest NY trends…… so i suggest you guys take this seriously too………….. you could be the next one to fall prey to this, sometimes fatal, new trend!

I’m back…… back in that place of absolute despair, where there is no hope, no light and what seems to be no possibility for a better tomorrow. I thought I had escaped this bottomless pit of confusion and illness but it seems to have crept back to the forefront of my mind, taking over my every thought and feeling.

Back at the end of last year I sank into what me and my friends call “a depression.” I put it in quotation marks as none of us are actually medically qualified and I don’t want anyone to use this later on in life to prove a history of psychiatric illness (i’m serious …dont try it) Anyhu…… after I lost everything in London, I decided the best thing to do was to get on a plane and get as far the hell away from everything that I knew. I thought that if I left God may have pity on me, throw a bone in my direction and maybe, just maybe….. things would eventually take a turn for the better.

The problem was that I felt lost. More lost than I had ever felt before because I had no plan. What was next my degree was completed and a training contract didn’t seem like it was going to appear any time soon. Plus I had this niggling feeling that if only i was just out of that hot darn country, (England) just away from those people who made me sooooo mad that I Could feel my blood heating up veins and had to use all the strength in my cbody not to hurt someone or go crazy, then maybe I would find peace.

For a while I did, when I got my little retail job in New York and my internship, for a few months, until a couple of weeks ago, life was good. I could actually sit on the phone and say to my mum that I was happy, you know that unconditional happiness, where you don’t have to put a “but” or any other qualification on the end of it. It was nice, u know….. actually it was blissful.

But now I’m back in that place. I can see time passing by and my birthday is approaching all I can think is what is next for this soon-to-be-22-year old. Yea, some will say ‘m young take it easy! And up until a few weeks ago I had finally been content with that form of thinking, however Ive now become re-haunted by the prospect of being a nothingness, yea……….. not just a nobody but a nothingness. You see I think it is possible for someone to be less than a nobody, you could be a nothing. An entity that doesn’t matter, doesn’t make a difference, doesn’t feel anything, no emotions, no pain………. like a robot with no purpose. And you see I have this fear that in years to come when I’m dead and gone, there is a possibility that someone may say “she was one of those kids with ALL THAT POTENTIAL!!!!” That potential that never amounted to anything. Those grades that never lead to a better tomorrow, all those certificates and no certification that you were actually worthy.

Yea I no its depressing, but the one thing it is, is real.

I turn to all the options and they seem to fill me with a deep, bone chilling fear that causes me to give up before I even start because it seems that rejection or failure is worse than just giving up. At least the latter is a choice that I made, at least if I give up the future of nothingness, it is in my hands, at least i know what to expect and don’t give myself some false hope that can be snatched from beneath my feet, without the slightest of a warning. I can feel that moment everytime I try to start something new, I regress to all those letters that say “thanks but no thanks,” ” we’re looking for someone with a bit more experience,” “unfortunately …….” and then my stomach turns over, my head starts throbbing I go back to that frozen state of despair. In which I can do nothing except worry …….

If there is a better tomorrow I hope it comes around soon, as I’m not sure I can take much more of this. Its torturous and I learn nothing from these low moments in my life. They simply drain me of all my energy and leave me with a feeling of dread which penetrates my soul!

Maybe I just need something to fill the void……… You know maybe once I land that great job and find me a great guy, then maybe I’ll never feel like that again…… bt here’ the problem, I sincerely do not believe in happy endings……..so where exactly does that leave me. I have to laugh at the idea, that the thought of temporary happiness can actually be of any assistance……….. so I’m left to question……….. and ponde………….. and sink. I just hope it doens’t get the better of me and that one day I can write an equally long statement about how to get the hell over it!

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