Ok. So I get it, it was my choice to move out here and my decision to be away from my friends and family but this is really beginning to suck. Yes, I’m a little bi-polar; just yesterday I was overly excited and happy about my new life – full of enthusiasm and excitement and now I’m back to this depressive condition that is taking control of my mind, body and soul (It’s emotional!)

My problem is that I’m constantly in competition with everything and everyone, even if they are totally unaware of it. Just today I looked at a friend’s facebook page. Shes doing sooo well on an internship and she seems so happy about every other aspect of her life. Now don’t get me wrong – I am definitely not begrudging her. She’s worked hard and been through a lot, so yea, she deserves her happiness. My problem is that I feel i too deserve more happiness. Is it just me or does it always seem like NOTHING EVER GOES YOUR WAY?!

See my other problem is that no matter what, I can’t help but think that everyone at home has forgotten me. I’m a lost soul – trying to move forward, but ultimately trapped in limbo………. a total place of nothingness. Its tiresome, depressing, saddens my heart and right now I want to cry. Although I totally realize that I have neither the time or energy to cry and won’t, due to the fact that I am painfully aware of the fact, that such actions will change nothing! (I soo deserve the optimist of the year award right?! lol) So ….yea; I’m doomed!!! not only am I a cynic but I have come to understand that when stuff sucks there is NOTHING you can do except wait it out. (I’m a pessimist with lots of time on my hands-great!this should end well!) Anyways by all means correct me if I’m wrong……

So…… this whole situation makes me think about death or any other kind of departure. All are so sad, constantly weeping, making gestures to show how much they miss that person but after a month or two, maybe six if you were really close, it fades away.(Maybe not for all but for the majority – keep it real people!) The deep aching in your heart subsides and dissolves until you have a memory with little or no emotions attached to it. (You remember the person but it takes a lot more for you to well up).

I think that in the case where a loved one or friend has passed this is MAYBE understandable but here’s my problem….. I’m not dead! Yet, I constantly feel like the people who I loved so long and so hard are going through this process of what I will call ……. “disparture;” a mix of departure and disassociation. It’s like I left and in return they just forgot about me! (I know if i read this I would laugh cos its a bit of a petty complaint but it’s my reality and i needed to get it off my chest! ) I suppose for a change I am not ultimately faced with a question. Instead this is just a reality. (I hear a chorus of ‘get over it’…..)

I know its all a bit depressing right? but this is how I feel and I’m sure a lot of other people have been here, so how do you deal with it??

See I’ve come to the conclusion that the reality is: You don’t have to die to become nothing more than a distant memory. It appears that out of sight, out of mind apply’s to everything. Or maybe I just wasn’t the kind of person that people feel the need to remember?! I duno anymore! Of course I’m not overlooking the fact that people have their own lives to lead, Im just saying – I didn’t realise how easily we can forget people and just get the hell on with life! (ok maybe the comparison to death was slightly dramatic but u get it right…..) I think the only way to get through it is to take it on the chin. It just shows you wh truly cares about you!

If you’ve ever been to prison or know anyone who has been locked up, you will KNOW that your friends disappear at the speed of light. You soon realize that blood really is thicker than water and that just because you would have done everything for your homie, doesn’t mean they would do anything for you! I suppose the way to deal with it is to just accept it as soon as……before you have to learn this lesson the hard way like I did!

Anyhu I suppose I can see the silver lining of this ‘disparturisation’; a new lesson. I think what I’m learning is that people are people (understatement of the year rite!?) Anyway no matter how much you may hold on to something or someone, you have no guarantee that they will hold on to you. After all I still have my family and a few peeps who hola, which I should (and will) appreciate more. Anyways in my view its best if, after a while, you just let go!

And its definitely time for me to let go!

So a lil while ago I was watching “The Tyra Show” to find that they were discussing Gay Marriage. Now usually this subject is of no interest to me, as I am not gay….well at least not yet (but if i meet one more fool who don’t know how to handle this….. I may have to edit this ish)….. anyhu ………..this show caught my attention as there was some white guy saying that BLACK PEOPLE in California BETRAYED him (and the gay community) because they voted for PROPOSITION 8. Is that even possible for a whole race to betray another social group?…..*smh* I really don’t think so! (If you are unaware proposition 8 was the option to reverse the law in Cali that legalized gay marriage).

So………………….. my man was chillin’ on “The TYRA SHOW” throwing out all kinds of accusations about:

* Black people owed some of their civil rights to gay people

* Black people should support gay people……cos were BOTH a MINORITY

* The struggle of gay people and Black people are the SAME!

OK, I have to admit I was just ready to cuss this fool for throwing all this out there. First of all; you can not compare the plight and struggles of black people and gay people, mainly because of the history of black people….. I don’t know about you but I never heard that gay people were enslaved or murdered in their millions for no reason?? did you??

Secondly, I didn’t understand why he was attacking Black people who didn’t vote (so that gay marriage would STAY legal)…… hello…… what about all the white people that weren’t on your side mate?

Finally, I think that people who have this view need to take a long hard look at a deeper truth; BEING FOR OR AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE RIGHTS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU SKIN COLOUR/COLOR (Eng/US spelling) ……..just because the SOME people in the gay community support the advancement of Black civil rights (because there are some racist ass gay people in the world!) …….DOES NOT MEAN that ALL Black people must support gay marriage.

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So I’m flicking through May’s edition of Vogue as I always do, seen as I totally live and die for fashion!! (yea rite!……I was in the hairdressers under the dryer, you know them ones ladies…)  Anyways …..I’m flicking through, mainly just looking at the pics (don’t laugh, you know you do it too…. the pics tell the story!)…. then …….. I come across an article about models and their boyfriends…….. and who do I see looking absolutely adorable Chanel Iman and boyfriend Tyga.

If your not up on your models and rapper info, Chanel Iman, is a gorgeous, 19 year old, black supermodel, from California, who in my opinion is the new Naomi Campbell, and Tyga, also from Cali, is an up-and-coming rapper. Chanel was one of the very few black models to rock the runway at New York Fashion Week back in February, (when it seemed that designers were scared to even use black models………dn’t even get me started on that one………. it seems they thought that black wouldn’t sell in a recession?! wtf??) Her mentor is the legendary Ms. Tyra Banks. Anyways, check her out backstage at the Jason Wu Fahsion show.

These two youngsters were rumoured to have been dating since last year but have finally decided to go public with their relationship. What I thought was particularly sweet about these two was how they seemed to be so opposite but at the same time had so much in common, I guess they are evidence that opposites do actually attract! (Let me know if you agree with that one?) Here’s some of what they had to say when interviewed for Vogue:

“

“Shopping with her? We’d be there all day,” teased the hip hop artist. “I’d rather just buy her something.” He gave me my first Balenciaga bag  for Christmas,” she says.   “It was so sweet. I didn’t even know he knew what Balenciaga was.”

It’s no surprise, given that Tyga arrived at this shoot in YSL and Louis Vuitton.

“He has the coolest glasses,” Chanel says. “I love to rock those, and his jewelry too – like his big old iced-out Garfield pendant.”

Something else the two share: “We’re both from L.A., and no matter where I am, talking to him brings a bit of Cali to me. It’s great to have somebody from my hometown.”

”

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I don’t usually report this kinda stuff but this lil bit of info i came across did tickle me!

La La Vazquez, reality T.V. host and DJ, apparently swung for one of the Dallas fans at the Nuggets v. Mavericks game last night, whilst trying to watch her fiancee of 4 years,

Carmelo Anthony, play ball. During a game that was overshadowed by verbal abuse from the stands and a whole lotta hostility……….. she was asked to leave by security!

The funniest thing about this is that last night, at the same time she was trying to smash a bish…….. i was watching her on “Charm School 3″ as one of the judges (for those that don’t know the show is about changing slutty women with no manners, into elegant young ladies with manners)………… I think the word HYPOCRITE should spring to mind. How you gona be lecturing these girls from VH1’s “Rock of Love 3″ and “Real Chance of Love” on how to be a lady if you can’t even control your damn self??

Anyways, there have been no reports that she actually connected………… unlike Beverly (Rock of Love 3) who “punched” Brittany Star (also of Rock of Love 3) in the back of the head and then grabbed her hair, only to end up expelled within hours of the show starting! I wonder if La La will also get the boot for failing to act like a lady and taking the moral high road??…….. (I very much doubt it…… reality T.V. reflects everything except reality!)

Anyways I just thought I’d expose yet another falsity of reality T.V. not only is it all staged …… no one is really looking for love and none of the contestants ever end up with the celeb…… but in addition the hosts are hypocrites.

Some might say her actions were justified, as she was apparently being verbally abused by the fans……. but somehow i don’t think that trying to slap a bish is the right response…… do you???

Ok, when the news hit twitter last night at about 2am that there were naked pics of Cassie circulating around the internet I was locked in. At first it was the pic of her titties, one of which is pierced, and to be honest she had nothing to feel bad about cos shes small… but i gotta say she has a nice pair! (no homo!) lol. Anyhu I’m not going to post the link cos if you haven’t seen it already or can’t find it then……. there’s no hope for you……… cos there’s such a thing as google!

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See the thing I like about this couple is they are a power couple!! He is a strong, independent, go-getter, motivated man and she is a get-what-i-want, I’m-not-playin-wit-you,  hard-working woman! Together this equals a power couple…… and you know what people…. the only way you can move up in this world and keep climbing that ladder, is to be with someone who is ready to help you to that next step and work with you to knock down the next barrier!

Here’s my point, when your looking for someone to spend your life with, you need to see if they have the same goals you have…… no scratch that they need to have higher goals than yours!!! That way you know that the sky is the limit! It may be hard to understand or sound like I’m not making any real point when i put it this way…. but let me put it in negative terms:

If your with a guy that doesn’t want to get his ass up and strive for more…… if he’s content in that house,

driving that car, having that job forever…… whilst you are fighting for a promotion when half the office are trying to stab you in the back

and working in the mall so you can get that new Mercedes you’ve had you eye on……..

**NEWS FLASH** he is NOT the one for you.

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Last night I turned on the T.V. and found yet another reality show had managed to find its way to the air….. “Gotti’s Way 2,” not that i ever knew there was a “Gotti’s Way 1,” but whatever! Anyways I tuned in and gave it at least 60% of my attention to find that it was actually a little interesting, not because Irv Gotti is trying to re-establish himself as a hip hop mogul, but because of the obvious serious issues between him and his wife.

O.K. so get this….. first of all they have been SEPERATED for 7 YEARS!! Yes, I’m being dead serious! Apparently he comes at the weekend, to spend time with his kids, they play happy family’s for a few days then he goes back to be a single, childless bachelor on Monday morning.

If you think that part was bad…… it gets WORSE……When he comes home at the weekends his wife, Debbie, actually allows him to sleep with her. Now at first I thought this woman is just a damn fool, because she knows and he is pretty open, (on the show) about sleeping around. But after I listened to her session, in therapy, where she described her staying with him as being less about wanting to be with him, and more about “being afraid” to move on, I totally got her and felt her pain…… Seriously i nearly cried……. and this is just reality T.V.!!!!

So here’s the thing; I think that the show is worth watching and more importantly I think that there are millions of women, both young and older, who can learn something from this. When you are in a relationship, where you are staying because of a fear of leaving it is very important to face that fact. Don’t sugar coat it and allow false hope to lure you into a land of limbo where he controls how you live your life.

Ladies, if your with a guy, “for the children” i get it, hell if my parents were to ever split up I know I would beg them to stay together, even though I’m an adult AND i know its selfish……. so I respect those women who are just trying to make their family work, for the sake of all involved.

However, I think there’s a point at which it becomes destructive. If you get to the point where he is sooo comfortable with you being THERE, just there, at his will that he doesn’t even to pretend that he’s working at it with you….. then you need to pick yourself up, look in the mirror…………. and ask yourself if this is really how you want to spend the rest of your life??

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